Muffled Thoughts of a Drifting Soul

Chapter 2

Slowly coming back to his senses, Kabir realises he is sitting in the middle of Aarav's house with a plate of food in front of him. Someone must have walked him back from the cremation ground, though he cannot recall it. That was not his concern. He has still not come in agreement with his friend's death, but the flames engulfing Aarav's body are too vivid for him to leave any doubt behind. Aarav is gone. What happened to him? Was it a freak accident, an illness, something no one had told him about? His mind is still in disbelief. He cannot eat anything. Across the room, he watches Aarav's mother surrounded by family, people asking her to drink water, to eat one bite. He wonders if he can even comprehend her sorrow. Tears roll down his eyes, and before the lump in his throat can turn into sobbing, he drinks the glass of water in front of him and stands up.

Kabir finds Aarav's cousins strolling outside the house. He hears one of them say, "Aarav bhaiya was so brave." He cannot place the context, but he knows well enough how much mettle Aarav had in him. He thinks of asking the boys what happened, but he doesn't want to interrupt. They carry on remembering old days, and somewhere in between, one of them says his name. "Aarav bhaiya and Kabir bhaiya's friendship stories were so cult. That one time they beat up eight guys together. Crazy."

Kabir almost laughs. What? When did that happen?

The only time he and Aarav had ever gotten into a fight was after school hours, when they ran into four boys from another school. The boys had gone after Aarav, hurling abuses, making fun of his cycle. Kabir and Aarav ignored them and pedalled on. One of the boys came dangerously close, and Kabir, without knowing what he was doing, pressed his foot against the rear wheel of one of the boy’s cycle. The boy toppled straight into the other three, all four of them scrambling over each other on the ground. Kabir and Aarav rode on as hard as they could and hoped never to see those boys again.

That was the whole story. Eight guys beaten up, apparently.

Kabir introduces himself, and the cousins look at him like he's stepped out of a legend. "Bhaiya, we've heard so many stories about you." He doesn't have the heart to downplay the glorified version of his friendship with Aarav, so he only nods along, and lets them go on. One boy claims Kabir once climbed the school boundary wall to sneak out and bring back ice cream for Aarav when he was feeling sad. Another swears they'd once ran a prank on sports teacher by putting frogs inside the sports room. Kabir keeps nodding, wondering how a handful of ordinary, forgettable afternoons had turned into folklore somewhere between Aarav's memory and this cousin's mouth. He wants to correct them, to tell them the truth was smaller and stranger and enough on its own. He says nothing.

Before he can ask what actually happened to Aarav, one of the boys says it plainly, the way children say things without knowing the weight of them. A rare blood cancer. It hadn't given Aarav bhaiya even two months.

Kabir does not have the heart to tell them he hadn't known. He doesn't utter a word. He only nods, or looks past them at the sun settling into the horizon.

After a while, Kabir decides to meet Aarav's parents once more before leaving. Aarav's father studies him for a moment. "Are you Kabir?"

Kabir nods, unsure if he had ever introduced himself.

"I have something for you," the father says, and goes inside. He returns with two envelopes, one with Kabir's name on it, the other addressed to no one at all. "Aarav asked me to give these to you," he says, placing them in Kabir's hands.

Kabir stands there, the envelopes light in his palms, heavier than anything he has held all day. He does not open them. Not yet.

He turns to Aarav's mother and bends to touch her feet. She rests a hand on his head, and says nothing. It is in this moment, under her palm, in that withered touch of a mother’s love for a lost child, that something in him finally loosens. The tears he had held back all day arrive without warning. For the first time since the phone call, he feels something close to peace, as if her hand alone understood everything he had been carrying and had quietly agreed to hold some of it for him.

Muffled Thoughts of a Drifting Soul

 

Chapter 1

“There are two misconceptions in life, which drive our minds while we wither out, slowly moving towards the only certainty in life, death. Forced upon everyone is the first fallacy - have we accomplished enough in life as per the community benchmarks while the second one makes us question ourselves - did we achieve what we thought ourselves worthy of. Both the beliefs are nonsensical. First one pushes the enslaved mind to seek affirmation from others while the second wants validation for wishful thinking of an egotist.” Everyone was left dumbstruck after this monologue from Kabir. No-one wanted to take a whip at this monster of an argument at a house party. Probably, the intricacy of argument gave them a concussion. As silence gets longer in a conversation, it becomes much harder to intercept, eventually leading to an impasse. What eventually saves this moment of abyss, is a change, which is welcomed by everyone. Kabir lights up a cigarette, trying to make up his mind to move. 

He was in two states of mind, which is the usual case when he gets restless. The responsive mind decides his actions, taking an external viewpoint and the rational mind runs his thoughts. He was very much aware of these states and tried his best to not let one interfere the other. He decides to leave without having dinner at Omi’s house party. Although he has not eaten much during the day, his spirit was far away from the puny cravings of appetite. Omi notices and shouts from the other end of the room, “Hey! You can’t leave without having dinner.” She was stubborn but not as much as she was smart. Knowing her all too well, Kabir’s natural response would have been to take up a plate and finish up dinner before he left. But his rational mind is stirred today and dominates his responsive actions. Kabir negotiates, “I am full already, need to rush back to my apartment, my flat mate has locked himself out.” Omi understood his lie, but this won’t be a great time to bring that up. She could read his eyes, he wanted to be alone. “Alright. Take care of your flat mate”, she said sarcastically.

Normally he would prefer a ride back home but today he prefers to walk, instead. He recollects the absolute horror of a call he had later this afternoon. His school friend, his first best friend from childhood was no more. He could not believe that Aarav had died so suddenly. He was shocked to the core. He hadn't experienced death of any loved ones. They had met recently at another friend’s marriage function. They would seldom talk on phone but whenever they met, it was as if they were still those inseparable young kids from school. Kabir clearly remembers his first day in his new school when he met Aarav. While he tried to find a place to sit, everybody was welcoming and offered him a seat. But Aarav did not, he just kept looking at him as if trying to remember him from previous life. They did not speak to each other, yet Kabir decided to sit next to him. Aarav said to him smiling, ‘I am not a good company’ to which Kabir sheepishly replied – ‘Don’t worry so am I’.  Kabir remembers the innocence of his childhood friend and his heart begins to sink and air gets choked up in his lungs. 

He must go see Aarav one last time before his cremation tomorrow. But he still cannot decide, let alone booking the tickets. That’s the fate of modern-day slavery, sold in the name of ‘pursuing the dream’. He has a crucial client meeting tomorrow that could yield the results for which he has been working tirelessly for over three years now. He is incapacitated, but memories keep flooding in, that remind him how he has lost some part of his own life. We start dying much sooner than we realize, as death of our loved ones keeps taking away a slice from our soul. This realization makes him think about all his loved ones. What if he loses everyone, one after another. The thought - how whole of life loses its meaning with one strike from death, frightens him. And in this moment, his rational and responsive minds unite to dump his career and he books the next available flight to bid a final adieu to his friend. 

He reaches back home, and finds his flat mate Vicky, sitting in the balcony most likely high on life. He doesn’t bother to speak and rushes to his room and starts packing. Once he is done, Kabir sends an email to his boss, unapologetically informing him about his leave plan due to a family emergency. He then goes to the balcony, informing Vicky about his plans. Vicky despite his ecstasy, understands the matter. Kabir sits down to light a cigarette while booking a cab to airport. Vicky tries to put a perspective, “You see those tiny stars, just imagine the relevance of human race in the history of universe. We are just a tiny whisker in the entire gambit of things.” Kabir retorts irritably, “So what? Comparing human life to astronomical events is not the answer for anything.” Vicky calmly whispers back, “Stop looking for answers.”

As he boards the flight, Kabir tries to gather the strength to face Aarav’s dead body. He can see his childhood in flashes where Aarav’s memories reside. Remembering school days, his thoughts take him back to one of the class periods where Kabir and Aarav were talking incessantly. The teacher could notice after some time, who the culprits were and asked Kabir, “Why are you two talking?” Kabir being the over smart teenager he was, replied “I am trying to speak while I write, so that I can remember”. Given the absurdity of the answer, there was no follow up question. Teacher simply asked Kabir to stand in front of the class. Kabir did so like he had won some award. Seeing his defiance, teacher asked him to raise his hands. Kabir still smiling pulled up only one hand in the air. Now the teacher lost temper and shouted, “Put your both hands up”. Kabir’s reply led the whole class erupt with laughter, “my shirt is torn near the left armpit”. The teacher gave up. After the class was over, Aarav was not happy, and Kabir could not understand why and asked him. Aarav said, “You made a mockery of yourself. Everybody was laughing at you”. Seeing that his friend could not bear his insult, Kabir got to know the meaning of true friendship.

Upon reaching Aarav’s hometown, Kabir was told that the body was already taken to cremation ground. He was crushed by the sadness that he could see in Aarav’s mother’s eyes. He wanted to ask her where the cremation ground is, so that he can see his friend before he turns into ashes. But those eyes did not deserve any questioning. One of the kids, asked Kabir to come with him to the cremation ground. Kabir was worried if he was late and could not reach in time. He asked the kid to run. Both started running and, in a few seconds, tears started rolling down from Kabir’s eyes. He prays to all the Gods he knew, to let him see his friend’s face one last time. The tears poured his heart out and flashes of Aarav’s smile and his honest opinions made Kabir yearn for his friend’s presence. As he reached the cremation ground, Aarav’s father was performing the last rites. Kabir tried but could not move his feet further. He wanted to see his friend’s face, but he dared not. He could feel Aarav’s father’s grief. As much as he wanted to go near and say goodbye to his friend, he could not. He wanted to speak to him and tell him ‘I will always be your best friend’ as Aarav said to him when they parted their ways long back.

Aarav’s father sets up the fire and as the flames go up, Kabir forgets his own identity. His mind is entangled in numerous memories all at once where he and Aarav had the time of their life. He begins to think that he is still a young kid and Aarav has gone missing.  He stands unresponsive, thinking how to find his missing friend. His own soul is lost in his friend’s remembrance. He decides to go around and find his friend. But he cannot figure out how to do that. Probably he is under shock, or has he already lost his mind to the realization of one and the only certainty in life. 

Leadership Vision

 

Leaders seek a life of selfless service and take care of matters that are beyond the apprehension of ordinary masses. They take upon the vows that don’t serve any individual interest but the greater good. As I opted for term 3 course - Leadership: Vision Meaning and Reality, I was intrigued by the rich literature that the course offered and above it the methodology to understand how different leaders are inspired and achieve their motive to serve the mankind. I was taken on a journey of self-realization through the characters of Mahatma Gandhi, Don Quixote, Joan Arc, Abraham Lincoln and other numerous fictional characters which are equally worth mentioning. The amount of complexity that all these characters revolve around is difficult to corelate if one does not keep an open mind. One needs to be considerate that leadership is an art of human psychology and that different circumstances in life require different skills of leadership ranging from discipline, compassion, self-awareness, critical judgement and many more. Through this article, I am taking an opportunity to express the learnings and inferences that I have come across through the rich lessons and interesting discussions during LVMR course in my MBA journey. 

 

Leaders are not born but made

 

A lot has been debated about how leadership traits are part of inherent character of a few people versus how these traits can develop through exposure to various circumstances. A study conducted by University of Illinois confirms that leadership development follows a specific progression. The reference study highlights that the process of leadership development is based on three things. A person’s readiness to learn about leadership, his/ her willingness to learn skills required for leaders and the ability to lead based on skills and self-motivation. If someone doesn’t think themselves to be a leader or has no confidence in being a leader, they are never going to develop the skills or the ability to be a leader. Research has suggested that leadership skills can be attributed as 30 percent genetic and 70 percent generating from learnings of various life experiences. Throughout the course, while observing the different characters, I could easily understand that leaders were genuinely affected by their life experiences. Prime example for this would be the case of Mahatma Gandhi, who went onto become the torchbearer of truth and non-violence. His struggles paved way for his greatness, and he took every incident to improve upon his ideology which eventually became guiding light for the Indian Independence movement.

 

Leaders have been imagined by most of us as someone idealistic, having great personalities and as the exceptional human beings. But leadership is not only about who you are but more importantly how you are with others. How effectively you can communicate and bond with people to pursue a common goal. Many of the leadership courses begin with the activity of identifying one’s strength and weakness, so that individuals can know how to bridge tha gap to become an effective leader. Many organizations hence have leadership development programs to create individual personalities that aligns with their business requirements. Leadership proficiency which can be said to be determined by readiness, willingness, and ability to lead becomes a key criterion for selecting individuals in such corporate leadership programs. 

 

Self-awareness and Sense of purpose

 

Self-awareness is the foundation for strong character which enables leaders to face difficult situations and take decisions that are not biased by external influences. It takes unbiased reflection on one’s own part to the point of ridicule in the eyes of others. Don Quixote was one such character whose self-awareness was beyond understanding of ordinary intellect. His sense of purpose and belief in himself was idealistic and many understood him to be a mad person. The selflessness exhibited by the character of Don Quixote in the pursuit of his passion is beyond the capabilities of a mind that thinks of everything in terms of loss and gain. His companion Sancho’s character presents the gullibility of human nature that seeks easy and profitable paths. This classic literature deals with the leadership vision like no other text.  Leaders consider the impact beyond short term gains and aim for long term visions. Hence, leaders can never be judged on the basis of what they achieve materialistically. 

 

Don Quixote forced me to rethink how should someone identify his/her path to becoming a leader. One obvious mistake that anyone can make is to focus on the end results and take inspiration from them to seek profitable or comfortable methods towards them. This is exactly what Sancho does. What Quixote does is not fueled by any personal gain but the greater good of serving as a knight. Although he was nothing like a Knight, his sense of purpose was so clear that he took upon imaginary and unreasonable tasks. Many argued in the class that why to seek such a path which brings nothing but pain and humiliation. I think his sense of purpose was so strong that he could easily endure all the difficulties. It may sound idealistic and stupid to today’s generation who want to be high salaried CEO and not a leader who can bind people together with their sense of purpose. But as discussed by the professor in class about Elon Musk’s leadership style, his adamant nature of believing in his vision and relentlessly pursuing his untenable goals have made a huge impact on electric vehicles and space technology for the betterment of mankind.

 

Be a follower first

Everyone wants to lead and be a great achiever. My personal experiences and understanding of the literature that LVMR course exposed me to converge on a single point that one needs to be a follower first then only he/she can understand how to lead. For this reason, military officers are trained to do all kinds of work that exists in the Defence forces, so that they know how to be a follower first and take orders before being able to give orders. Understanding this little aspect is very critical for today’s generation of corporate leaders who are very far from the ground reality, and it hurts their end purpose by allowing them very little understanding of the actual matters. What I believe is being a good listener allows leaders to arrest the gaps between their vision and what transpires on ground. Sad truth is that leaders get themselves surrounded with people who speak comfortable lies instead of harsh truth. When a leader is low on confidence and is seeking to confirm his purpose from others, such comfortable lies become a cultural phenomenon. This was evident during the course while discussing Tughlaq’s character, who had great plans but each of which failed miserably. He was unable to communicate his vision and gain followers in his pursuit of becoming a great king. He went on to fanatically doubt his own kingship when he says, “ Am I the King or son of a King..”.  Ability to amend mistakes comes from humility of being a follower and it allows true understanding of viewpoint of others.

Continuous Self-Improvement

One of the greatest Roman Emperors, Marcus Aurelius stands out from the other great emperors because of his contribution to self-improvement literature through his book Meditations. I had been fortunate to read this book during my Academy days and it gave me an opportunity to understand how an Emperor thought. Marcus Aurelius’s rule was filled with military wars and during that time he had to be more of a leader above and beyond his stoic philosophical belief. During his rule, he kept the Roman Empire safe from the Parthians and Germans at the time. Out of the Roman emperors, he was the most respected because his rule was driven by his philosophical belief and reason. His quotes on leadership specifically are still relevant to this day and have taught me time and again how to be a better leader. One of the learnings I have taken to heart is after you become a leader, don’t forget your calling, and get swayed by the glamour of power and authority. One of my Aurelius’ favorite quote is - “keep yourself simple, good, pure, saintly, plain, a friend of justice, god-fearing, gracious, affectionate, and strong for your proper work”. Aurelius wasn’t made Emperor by bloodline. His connection to the throne was that he was the emperor’s nephew. This was a similar trend to the previous four emperors who weren’t directly related by blood and just so happened to be distant relatives to the Emperor at the time. Marcus Aurelius talks leadership as a responsibility to work intelligently with what is given, and not waste time fantasizing about a world of flawless people and perfect choices. And when you do so you continuously improve upon yourself rather than finding best options around you. 

 

I could relate this aspect of leadership in Lincoln’s character during the course. He was relentless to improve upon himself and without having formal education became a lawyer and eventually the President of USA.While choosing his first cabinet, Lincoln nominated colleagues with whom he fought the presidential election, as they were the best minds available. Lincoln listened to others and put the welfare of the country above his own personal interests. USA was struggling to come to terms with abolishing slavery and Lincoln was instrumental in passing the 13 amendment. Without his leadership vision and pragmatic approach to solve the problems of the USA as a whole, USA might not be as great as it is today.

 

Leaders create movement

 

The most influential characteristic of a leader is to create more leaders that can create a movement. This may happen knowingly or unknowingly as the true reflection of a leader’s effectiveness lies in the fact that how many of the followers are inspired and connected to the leaders calling. Mahatma Gandhi was able to create a nationwide independence movement that galvanized the entire nation which was a community of different religions which otherwise would have been different nations.

 

Ajay Banga became the CEO of Mastercard in 2010. He was focused on making small business accessible to the formal financial system. He focused on innovation and collaboration with customers and communities. In the current times leadership has become harder as stakeholder expectation have increased and globalization has brough multiple factors that are beyond the control of management. What Banga and his senior executive Garry Lyon did was spectacular as they infused Mastercard’s culture with innovation. The company transformed from a non profit bank association to an independent global technology company in payments sector.  Leaders have to act as catalyst and create an ecosystem in the organization that accelerates growth. Leaders need to map the interdependencies to enable the organization to fulfill its purpose.

 

The learnings in the course readings sparked a bright light in my head and heart to seek self-awareness as a leader. As I take forward these learnings, I am aware that results can not be measured in terms of material factors but how much I am connected to my inner self. Leaders need to be selfless when they try to achieve their own goals. It may happen that paths don’t converge and learnings are followed by some more learnings. But I promise to keep my path straight and not loose heart when things don’t turn out as I want. 

An analogy - The Fifth Discipline and Toyota Production Systems

 

I had the opportunity to read “ The Fifth Discipline” by Peter Senge upon recommendation by Prof YETI who is a class apart professor of Operations Management. His sarcasm is heavier than the concepts he teaches. But let's focus on the book here. The book talks about Systems thinking as the fifth discipline for creating a learning organization . The subtleness with which Prof Yeti highlighted the magnanimity of the book was hard to ignore. With this featherweight motivation and literally no time to die ( courtesy one year MBA) , I forced myself upon a voyage to understand what systems thinking is all-about. First of all, it is a classic read. The book dwells upon a cumulative thought process which encapsulates the idea of an ever-evolving and learning system/ organization. The core philosophy that the book preaches is - Structure causes Behaviour. And this was practically demonstrated during live simulation of Beer Gamein one of the class lectures. Structure refers to the interrelationships between key variables that influence behaviour over time. The main learning from Beer game was that more than external forces and individual mistakes, systems cause their own crisis. The book goes on further to elaborate balancing processes and reinforcing feedbacks as building blocks for creating a structure that supports Learning organization. Balancing processes build on goal oriented behaviour. Reinforcing feedback are engines of growth. A leader must leverage both balancing and reinforcing feedbacks depending on the needs of the organization. The author discusses on managing mental models and building a shared vision. What was most fascinating part of the book for me was the chapter on The Indivisible Whole. The direct experience of astronaut Rusty Schweickart where he discovered the principles of systems thinking while floating in space is awe-inspiring. 

More recently, Toyota Production System(TPS) was taught in class by Prof YETI, as usual in his very own stoic yet pompous style. I could not stop but wonder that on a conceptual level, how both the subject matters(Systems thinking and TPS) are unique yet interlinked, like two sides of a coin (barring the one that Amitabh Bachchan had in Sholay). TPS is much more than only lean management, JIT or other ideas such as muda, Kanban, heijunka. It’s an ecosystem of multiple processes that focus not to push growth but to remove growth limiting factors. It’s a precise amalgamation of standardization and flexibility in processes aimed at high quality regardless of the short-term losses. TPS allows a specific sequence and timing of doing a task which must be first broken into separate activities. Most endearing fact is that there is no training manual for TPS, all rules are taught in Socratic fashion of iterative questioning and problem solving. Each of these rules are further tested based on clearly defined hypothesis. Strength of TPS lies in making people capable of and responsible for improving their own work.

Now let's come to the point which motivated me to pen down this article, interlinkages between Systems Thinking and TPS. I have observed that the conceptual ideas from The Fifth Discipline have been taken to task and their implementation is visible in TPS. A few of them are mentioned below.

Learning from Fifth discipline -> Toyota Production System Process implementation:-

• Team learning is the process of aligning and developing the capacity of a team to create the results its members truly desire -> Standard Communication and Standard process flow is a rule in TPS for avoiding ambiguity and achieving accountability.
• Leading involves supporting people in discovering underlying causes of problems and empowering them to make choices -> Andon cord running adjacent to assembly lines of TPS enables workers to stop production if they detect a defect.
• Small changes can produce big results but the areas of highest leverage are often the least obvious -> TPS accepts a short term loss in throughput reflecting the reduction in inventory and then identify the most prominent problems in process.
• Easy way out usually leads back in as we find comfort in applying familiar solutions -> Every process improvement in TPS is done scientifically by success across lowest possible levels.
• Self concluding decisions result in deeper convictions and more effective implementation -> TPS uses teaching approach that allows workers to discover the rules as a consequence of solving problems. For example the supervisor asks the worker that how to know that the outcome is defect free? This continuing process gives the person deeper insights into his specific work.

This analogy will find more relevance with Industry 4.0 picking up pace and industry 5.0 looming over the horizon. Industry 4.0 model is already shaping the manufacturing world of the future and more companies will witness exponential growth thanks to the capabilities provided by IoT devices, cyber systems and cognitive computing. In a few year’s time, human workers and factory robots could end up collaborating on designs and sharing workloads across a variety of manufacturing processes. 

I conclude with words of wisdom by Akio Toyoda , "I believe that the more automation advances, the more the ability of the people using it will be put to the test. Machines cannot improve unless people do, too." 

 

FOOT IN THE DOOR

As I was leaving office on my final day in uniform, I kept staring the flag hoist for long and saluted the naval ensign for one last time. When I got back home it took a lot to fathom the fact that I won’t be able to wear the uniform anymore. Took a deep sigh as I gazed at my uniform and I could see 10 years of my life entwined in it. It is not easy to leave something that has become a part of your character, blood and soul. I still have clear memory of the day when I was leaving home to join Naval academy in 2012. All my father said was ‘Do not give up. Live your life. It will be tough but good.’ I could not digest it at that moment but now when I remember it looks like a precursor to my life in Navy. 

When I reached Naval Academy in Ezhimala, I was mesmerised by the scenic beauty on first day, with mountains on one side and open beach on the other. Although I never had the strength to even notice that beauty for the rest of the days at the Academy. Life was really tough at times, yet I was happy to be there. Of all the things that I learned at the Naval Academy , closest to my heart was ‘To get tough physically, mentally and emotionally needs a lifestyle that only a military man lives by.’ 

The last ten years have shaped my character and personality for lifetime. Never back down attitude has become foundation stone for all my endeavours. The ability to selflessly contribute towards the end objective is what matters the most. My ship tenure onboard INS Gomati was the first turning point. As a young lieutenant , I was highly energetic and believed in delivering the end goals so much that I did not take good care of the human chain under my command. I thought everyone needs to toughen up. Neither did I focus on fostering relations with the human chain above me. My entire energy was dedicated in delivering results in shortest and smartest ways and I was good at it. But I could realise soon that I was missing out on something. I needed to amplify the team’s output by connecting with them on a personal level. By understanding them and not  lecturing them to be tough. I took that lesson to my heart and during my second ship tenure onboard INS Vikramaditya , I made that my main target. Growth and wellness of my teammates under my charge was my primary objective. It helped me achieve impossible targets but more importantly my vision grew past short term gains.

Walking into the unknown is exciting but if your work entails delivering results where there is zero tolerance for error, fear and anxiety take control. When my HOD told me that Tejas Aircraft will be attempting a landing on the deck of Aircraft carrier , my immediate concern was how to establish communication network between the pilot and ship’s operations room. Before I could gather strength to make a detailed plan of action, I was ordered to get the comm check done within three days. My team could deliver only because they believed in my plan and they trusted me with their guts. There were many times when I was in the middle of backbreaking tasks but I never accepted backing down. Be it the engine room fire in 2019 or numerous war exercises in long sailing deployments, my team was my armour of steel.

Cut to the chase, ten years have gone by and I am standing at the exit of a glorious life. From first earned bread to loads of drinks and good times, Navy has steered my transformation from a rookie to a husband and a father. I have come to realise that there is more in this world to conquer. Being in service, I had moulded my thought process and actions into the framework of a war fighting force. I knew that removing the uniform which was my heart and soul was never going to be easy. As I gave my farewell speech my throat was choked and it took me good few seconds to recover, and all seniors could understand what was my pain. They wished me luck and asked me to keep the flag high. 

I reached IIM Bangalore for CDS meet on 3 April and interacted with the batchmates for the first time. Everyone was so excited to be here and why not, their dreams had been fulfilled. But I was still in the transition zone, trying to get my bearings correct. I could sense the energy of the batch and instantly knew that I would be required to shift gears. The course trip to Pegasus was where we could really bond and understand each other.

I am amazed by the sheer talent my batchmates at IIM B possess. People are not only experts in their subject matter but are so insightful that they can take a simple discussion to a wholesome another level. They are critical thinkers, finance experts, operations specialists and consulting stalwarts and yet everyone is so humble and helpful. The classroom atmosphere is exhilarating and cohort’s discussions with professors makes learning evolve. The course is neatly scheduled and there is no breather on which one can rely. Understanding the core concepts of six new subjects which are degree subjects in their own parlance has been challenging for me. I have so much to learn and that uphill task keeps me motivated. Term I has been a good start but a hell lot more is yet to be done. I have my foot in the door and the game has just begun.

Lost and found - Part II

                                                                           IV

Akash takes nearly seven hours to reach the destination. Before looking around for Rony and Gini, he can already see them sitting at the Namastey cafe. He sees them now better than the last night. Rony is fair and keeps short hair with a beard twice as big as his entire head and it seems that his body is squinted due to his facial hair. The hippie swag he carries gets amplified by the metal ear ring on his left ear. He talks softly in such a heavy voice that few syllables of the words he speak die down at his lips only. You have to be attentive to catch those syllables. His eyes are joyful but mostly he is at peace. He keeps on listening to Gini with a plain appreciation that can be easily ignored. He is one of those introverts who experience every moment with a deep sense but are unvocal about it. Gini was sweet in every gesture she made. She had a modest smile fixed to her face. She is fair too but her skin is tanned in a way that makes her look even more gorgeous. She is so nice that when Akash was being a bull, cocked up in frustration last night, she was actually apologising to those guys for him. Not that the guys bothered listening to her. Gini and Rony both giggle and go for a high five as if remembering some past incident. “Hi guys”, Akash says to both of them. “Oh we were just talking about last night only”, says Gini with a grin as usual. Rony adds up, “Man you were crazy as fuck last night, I hope you remember”. Of course he did. He notices Shantaram on the table, twice in the same day. ‘So you too are reading this’. ‘No this other girl we met here is, she has gone for a walk’, says Rony. Now the odds are good enough that it’s Riya but he couldn’t see any of the stuff she was carrying at the table. He could ask her name but doesn’t bother to. ‘So you guys were laughing because I behaved like a jerk?’, asks Akash. ‘No man. It’s just that you were so peaceful and philosophical while we were at the beach. Some shit you said I didn’t even understand, some conscious thing. I thought you were on some BABA kinda trip and in next moment, Whack! You didn’t even warn that guy. It’s hilarious ’. ‘I don’t know what happened’, says Akash with a chuckle. The laughter continues. Gini puts a sarcastic question, ‘So who else did you find reading Shantaram’. He could sense the background behind wicked smile on their faces. He turns around to see Riya standing at her back. And he raises his hands up with middle fingers for them, ‘Whatever you guys.. I was being nice’. "Yeah so nice of you to ask for directions in the middle of a highway road", refutes Riya. "Well it was an icebreaker", defends Akash.

PART II

I am no Casanova but I am beginning to get a feeling that Riya has developed some sort of fondness for me despite my bizarre preferences. She looks at me with the same polite smile even when I speak of something dull and obscure. I could have been sure if I was sober. Rony is equally wasted and if not, his appearance and the cool lingos, half of which go right through my ears make him appear so. We were happy to talk. All of us, blabbering around our experiences with people we just met at a place serene yet stirring.

The table at the cafe was looking like something taken right out of a Hangover movie scene. Neither did any one of us bother to get it cleared nor did the waiter thought of it as his job. Maybe his job is only to put things on the table and leave the rest to the customer's resolve. There are more than a dozen pints of KF blue on the table most of which Rony had guzzled down and a bottle of Double Black half done, at which Riya has kept the pace up with me. The table looks messed up. We have been sitting and chatting for almost five hours now but it is comforting still. Although, whenever Riya and Gini exhibit their explicit fashionista awareness while talking, which all girls do without noticing men in the group, Rony and I relish the smoke which calms down the noise on our eardrums. We were okay to keep shut as we had no opinions. I guess all men are equally good at this. Men don’t talk much but they understand the vibes, generally. Rony told me about his travel stories which in the beginning were really fascinating but then I kept losing interest in them because I already got a general idea and partly because my attention was still with Riya. I would look around to take a glimpse of her face and every time the vivid expressions on her face under the dim lights would startle me so much that I would take a silent breath and that moment my heart wished to know more about her. But then the gutless insecure emotion which comes out of nowhere screws it up all, making me avert my eyes from her. I realise that it might actually get awkward if I let the emotions ride on.

When I realise that the cafe is about to shut, it is because the waiters had already left for the day. Gini is almost hanging on Rony’s shoulders, half-asleep while Rony was up and ready for another beer although the numbness had disabled him. Riya is in deep thoughts looking towards beach. I look at her and she is always a new person to my eyes. Meanwhile, I was deciding if the remaining Double Black is enough for the night. When Rony realises that he won’t be able to carry Gini to the room after a few minutes, he gets up and calls it a night. “All right guys, time to crash into bed”, he says and gently pulls up Gini trying not to startle her. Gini opens her eyes only to say goodnight to us. The moment Rony and Gini went out of sight, I knew I have to make a move before Riya makes up her mind to leave and that might be the end of the universe for me. I was in a hurry to say something to her and I looked at her face but she was staring somewhere at the end of the world with eyes wide open as if lost in some thought and speaking to herself. So I decided to let my universe end while she was busy in hers. It is easy to understand the situation and do the correct thing only when we are not occupied by selfishness. I wanted to talk desperately but only if she was not disturbed by my intrusion. Besides I had a couple of drinks left with me.

She stands up after some time and says, “Care for a late-night walk on the beach?” I nodded with a cold ‘Okay’. The tendency to portray oneself as exactly the opposite of what is going inside the head is the most spontaneous reaction in these situations. As if in the moment, my ego was driving me to protect the weak heart which is full of emotions. And the silence was no better. She says to me, “Are you always this quiet at night” and before she could finish, I thought it’s time to seize the moment but not get carried away by it.  " As I had already swept you over with my first impression, I was waiting for your move", I joked and she chuckled. We kept walking. She continues, “So you do not like your job and you don’t get to do as many things that you like but can you tell me, which is the most important thing that you want to do in your life. Not an ambition or achievement that you have set for yourself but one thing that is close to your heart and it makes you complete in whatever little sense.” Okay, this is not fun anymore. I was getting light and she shot me through the heart and soul with an arrow of grief that has been a constant nightmare to me. I take too much time to come back and so she continues further, “Don’t you think we are caught up in the wrong contest, struggling only to overcome issues which have been created by us only. If you don’t like your job why don’t you quit?” I wish I had a simple answer for that and I tried hard to save myself the embarrassment but could not find even a complex one that I could tell her. But I realised that I feared getting out of the comfort of having a fixed salary which is nothing more than a dog chain. 

Riya has quit her job and she is travelling and I can understand what she means here. She has a strong appreciation of the affairs of my confused being. She means whatever she says but something is still on her mind. She is anxious while she gives me the sermon as if she is trying to establish a ground for her own resurrection. ‘You think quitting is the solution?’, I ask her. “How else would you know what you want?” I respond this time, ‘Look first we have to understand the basics of survival, whatever shithole of a world we live in, it is all we have unless you have the guts to leave behind everything and live in the jungle and eat whatever nature provides. So we need to survive at par with basic requirements and I agree that we have turned this survival business into the struggle of accessing more and more luxury and comfort of our modern day societies which give us little time for ourselves. We lose ourselves and the things that matter to us take backstage as we partake in the rat race. So we need to stand our ground and explore the things that bring peace to us’. “And how would you do that” she smiles. ‘I am working on it. You’ll be the first one to know once I crack this’. I couldn’t have been more assertive while explaining all this to her, but deep down I knew very well that we both are precisely facing the same conundrum. After walking to one end of the beach, we find few rock beds to sit and chat a little more about similar things.

VI

I receive a call while we are still at the beach and before I could pick up the phone disconnects. It’s Sandy calling.  At this time of night either he is caught up in some situation or he is going to get emotional on me for not making it to Goa. In both the cases, I am not going to help him anyway. When he is emotional he speaks of such nonsensical things that I can only say "It's okay bhai". If he is stuck in some situation he is just going to tell me what mayhem he must have created. As if he is some gangster and I am his sidekick. He sends a message instead of calling again. “Pops is here”. I have never known what pleasure he gets by calling himself Pops. I call him back to find out what Pops is upto and he tells me that he is in Gokarna. I am sure at once that he is fucking around. Then he asks me to wave the phone with flashlight on. He shouts out loudly, “I see you bro”. Taking monstrous giant leaps, he reaches to us in no time. He is still the same beast that he was in college. ‘How the hell did you find out?’ I ask. “Chuck it”, he retorts. He pushes me aside and introduces himself to Riya. I was beginning to think that I was keeping it cool with Riya until Sandy showed up. I am sure nothing is going to happen now. I know him well enough to guess that his intention will only be to embarrass me in front of her. Nothing more, nothing less. “Riya I hope you are not taking him as a charity effort”, he winks with his usual wicked grin. ‘You and your stupid comments, same old horse shit’, I rescue myself before he could continue. He has been the same asshole for ages. I remember the day still crystal clear, we first met in college. He was sitting in the canteen with his gang of dumb hooligans, while I was standing waiting for my French toast. He whistled at me and threw a comment, “Hey dickhead! Move aside”. I didn't turn around at once. He went again and harder this time. I turned to face him and shook my head with a smirk. I turned around and kept waiting for my order. He came up again, " How about you get my order too?". This time I replied, ‘Please wait till I eat mine, and then I will drill my dick past your head after which you will not care for food’. And I smiled, I don’t know why. We could have had a fight that day easily but we grinned at each other as we knew instantly that we were the same kind of assholes.

After some time at the beach, we were still talking although neither of us knew the context. I saw two policemen from afar, walking towards us,  looking out in the dark as if searching for gold. I stood up and reached towards them and before they could ask, I was ready with my defence, "We were just leaving". But as they are always better at coming back, one of the policemen replied, "Oh then you were just waiting for us.. so kind of you." I could come back with a witty answer to that but I was sure it would do no good to me. At these crucial times, Sandy has a knack for coming over for the rescue but that ass left with Riya before this gold-searching party could even notice. I think policemen might have seen them but knowing that they got one, they must be like, 'why bother catching others'. They ate my mind for more than half an hour and I was also at it, giving them excuses all of which implied that I was just leaving. I guess that fault was mine only,d when I asked them that where is it written that one can't spend the night at the beach to which the same guy replied, "Come with us to Police Station, we will show you in detail". Finally, when I handed them some of the lost gold pieces they were so eagerly looking for, they were happy to leave. I walked towards the other side and when I found Sandy and Riya they were laughing as if I was a circus clown. Sandy breaks in, "You helped them find you, they saw you only after you were near them". Yeah, I am helpful which is why most of the time that 'help' flies around like an arrow, coming back right into my ass. 

Riya leaves us and I tell her that I’ll see her in morning. She nodded her head in agreement as if teleporting me that we will continue from where we left. Sandy draws out a joint the moment Riya leaves and hands it over to me. I light it up already missing her. Sandy smokes up almost half of the joint just to take care of the sideburns. He takes exhaustive drags and the smoke calms him down. I let him be as there is nothing more assuring in the world than your best friend’s company. Once both of us are high enough and a gentle smile turns up on our faces, I ask him, ‘When did you get here?’. “I had a meeting with client in Bangalore yesterday, winded it up and came straight here to respond to your distress call. Your Instagram posts kept me reminding that I screwed you over.” He shared his stories and as always I enjoyed them.

‘I really needed this man. I am beginning to lose interest in everything I am involved with. And I know clearly that I am missing out big time in my life. And what is coming ahead is not more than this for sure. I want to make it count, only if I can know, how? Some days I feel like I must consult some psychiatrist only to be sure if I am becoming insane’, I said to him. “Fuck! Your head is not at the right place”, he laughs out. ‘Come on man I am not kidding. I am not saying that something disastrous has happened with me. But it’s like my life has been exactly the same every day since we left college. You can say that I am over thinking at it but somehow I feel like I am struggling to survive. I am happy to have made it out this far. I mean I am okay but I got to find some purpose to life. I have told you these things many times. You know what I mean.’ Sandy comes back with a reply this time , “Then let me tell you again that you are not a person that can be satisfied so easily. You remember when we used to smoke up on the top of the overhead water tank behind our hostel and we would chat endlessly on how there is more life inside of us than what this manipulative world offers to us. Bro, who we are, how we live, what response we have to different circumstances in life and the morals we stand on are much more important tools than anything else in the world to find the true purpose to life. You are stressed out just by the thought of not knowing things better. Atleast you are aware of this. I say you are better than most of us who are living in a bubble. To find the answers, you must know the questions. But my advice, don’t wander around too much that you become insane. And if you are destined to wander around, then life won’t be easy as finding the “true” purpose can never be easy”. ‘Yeah man! I think I get you’ I add. He continues with a smile, “And besides who knows the purpose might have been to find Riya. I could see the sparkles in your eyes.” ‘Just like your eyes have, when you meet with every other girl’, I reply with a grin. Sandy comes back, “Mine is an artistic talent bro. You will need some serious training to reach to that level.” We keep up the chit chat whole night long.

VII

The sun starts to ascend and across the sea sky is carroty coloured. The clouds are dispersed like stretched cotton candy and the orange light skirmishes across the cloud surfaces. The sky is almost a colourful canvas painting and better than that for it is not static. As the light intensity increases, the clouds move around as you wish them to be. Sandy is still enthusiastic as if his day is just about to start. Tourists are already taking morning walks while my yesterday was yet to finish. I tell Sandy that we must move to the shack and get some sleep. He is not interested in moving an inch and just nods only to procrastinate. Suddenly after sometime he tells me, “I am going to stay in some other shack. I’ll come and catch up.” ‘Why don’t you come with me?’ He says with a sheepish smile, “Got a girl waiting on me”. ‘And you came to meet me, same old horny asshole. See you later’. 

I start walking back to the shack and I wonder how after confessing to Sandy what troubles I am facing, I can actually see more clearly. I was too busy understanding the complexity of the issues that my psyche only had created that I couldn’t find the simplest of the way out. Atleast I know now that I have to focus only on the things I want to do rather than contemplating on every other bug that bothers me.

I remember again what Sandy told me that how we used to discuss about the same stuff in college. The difference was that we would include our agendas in college activities. One of the most satisfying experiences of those was arranging a campaign to collect the leftover food from all hostels and sending it over to people in need. I remember I got supplementary in two papers in that semester. Sandy had coordinated the transport while I had tied up with all hostel supervisors and NGOs to ensure that the bargain is fulfilling. Hostel authorities helped us only for the good publicity till the date the college festival was not over. Then one fine day the hostel authorities made an issue out of nowhere, pointing out that the students were not happy to pay extra bills and blamed it all on the supervisors for making extra food. Supervisors were briefed in person about the actions they had to take. I vaguely remember one of those nights, when an argument led to another and we had beaten the hell out of our hostel supervisor. Overnight the campaign was shut down and we were thrown out of the hostel. 

Nothing can stop me to start over that campaign again but I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage it alone. And I don’t want to know that. I just want to get on with it. I get back to my room and drop dead like a zombie exploding after a gunshot. I am half awake when I receive Sandy’s call. He has planned camping for the night and tells me that I can come only if Riya is coming along. I tell him to fuck off. I sleep back for some more time. I get up and find that I slept the whole day. I feel better and the thought of starting my food relief campaign is already cheering me up. It is going to keep me busy long enough to settle my nerves. I walk out and grab a club sandwich at the shack’s restaurant to kill the appetite which has been bothering me throughout the day but wasn’t good enough to get me out of bed. I call up Riya and she tells me that she is at the beach. 

I see her buying some antiques from the locals. She is talking and seems more interested in the lady selling the things rather than the objects. I wave at her. I am not sure whether I should straightaway tell her to come for the camping Sandy had spoken to me about. Before I could speak anything, she says, ‘ Rony and Gini have left. They wanted to meet you but you were not reachable. Never mind even I am leaving in some time. I am glad we met.’ Before she finishes I interrupt, “I am glad too. But let me tell you at least this much that when I first met you I didn’t know that it could be this special. You are unique. You have the strength to face anything that bothers you. I could see how you were so happy to talk to that lady who sold you the antiques. It’s an experience you take out from every person. You are more than you know yourself. And yeah you have helped me as well to come out of misery as I have cracked the code for now.’ “Happy to hear that” she smiles. We sit on the beach sand and talk some more before she leaves. 

After she leaves, I lay down and look up in the greyish sky, just before the darkness engulfs the sky and I think of nothing. I just keep staring with an empty mind till it’s completely dark. I collect my things from the shack and text Sandy that I am going back as I have to plan out the things I need to set up my enterprise for free food. He says, “I knew Riya would ditch you”, to which I reply, ‘You wish, she is my new collaborator and you are hopeless.’ 

The Window of Happiness

The attainment of happiness expresses a choice, an attitude we consciously carry. Success of any measure is considered as source of happiness by most of us and hence we are driven towards personal ambitions. True happiness lies in the pursuit of sharing what we have and perhaps not in the race of acquiring more and more material goals. It is a matter of personal introspection whether to be content or beset by the desire for absolute happiness. Happiness in my perspective is a relative phenomena in all of its forms. Little things give so much happiness at times and sometimes even the highest accomplishments mean nothing. The relative essence of happiness is visible only when we overcome the will to control things set out by our desires.

Two men, both seriously ill were staying in the same hospital room. One man's bed was next to the room's only window. The second man had to spend all his time laying flat. The men talked for hours on end. And every afternoon, when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. There was a beautiful lake in a park, children playing around, lovers holding hands while walking across the pathways and the groups of oldies chatting all day. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the second man would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene and he was happy. It was such an amazing sight that he fell at peace just by imagining it. Unexpectedly, an alien thought entered his head: Why can't he have the pleasure of seeing all that through the window? Even with his last stage illness this didn't seem fair and this thought now controlled his mind. And now because he was jealous, he could not have the same blissful experience when his roommate described the view out of the window. The thought that he will not be able to look out the window by himself before he dies, occupied his mind. And it was a matter of few weeks.

Few days later one night, the man by the window who happened to be very sick earlier that day began to cough real hard. The second man watched him struggling to call for help. Listening from across the room, he didn't do anything although he could have easily called for the attendant. Soon the coughing stopped along with his breath.The second man felt bad but he was not sure what he had done. So he gave himself the same explanation that others had assumed, "it was his time". The next day he asked and was shifted next to the window in the room. Finally, he had his last wish come true as he was going to look out at all the wonderful things out of the window. He could now see everything on his own and have the experience with his eyes open. He moved slowly to look out the window beside the bed. It faced an open barren land with nothing but dirt all around.