Muffled Thoughts of a Drifting Soul

Chapter 2

Slowly coming back to his senses, Kabir realises he is sitting in the middle of Aarav's house with a plate of food in front of him. Someone must have walked him back from the cremation ground, though he cannot recall it. That was not his concern. He has still not come in agreement with his friend's death, but the flames engulfing Aarav's body are too vivid for him to leave any doubt behind. Aarav is gone. What happened to him? Was it a freak accident, an illness, something no one had told him about? His mind is still in disbelief. He cannot eat anything. Across the room, he watches Aarav's mother surrounded by family, people asking her to drink water, to eat one bite. He wonders if he can even comprehend her sorrow. Tears roll down his eyes, and before the lump in his throat can turn into sobbing, he drinks the glass of water in front of him and stands up.

Kabir finds Aarav's cousins strolling outside the house. He hears one of them say, "Aarav bhaiya was so brave." He cannot place the context, but he knows well enough how much mettle Aarav had in him. He thinks of asking the boys what happened, but he doesn't want to interrupt. They carry on remembering old days, and somewhere in between, one of them says his name. "Aarav bhaiya and Kabir bhaiya's friendship stories were so cult. That one time they beat up eight guys together. Crazy."

Kabir almost laughs. What? When did that happen?

The only time he and Aarav had ever gotten into a fight was after school hours, when they ran into four boys from another school. The boys had gone after Aarav, hurling abuses, making fun of his cycle. Kabir and Aarav ignored them and pedalled on. One of the boys came dangerously close, and Kabir, without knowing what he was doing, pressed his foot against the rear wheel of one of the boy’s cycle. The boy toppled straight into the other three, all four of them scrambling over each other on the ground. Kabir and Aarav rode on as hard as they could and hoped never to see those boys again.

That was the whole story. Eight guys beaten up, apparently.

Kabir introduces himself, and the cousins look at him like he's stepped out of a legend. "Bhaiya, we've heard so many stories about you." He doesn't have the heart to downplay the glorified version of his friendship with Aarav, so he only nods along, and lets them go on. One boy claims Kabir once climbed the school boundary wall to sneak out and bring back ice cream for Aarav when he was feeling sad. Another swears they'd once ran a prank on sports teacher by putting frogs inside the sports room. Kabir keeps nodding, wondering how a handful of ordinary, forgettable afternoons had turned into folklore somewhere between Aarav's memory and this cousin's mouth. He wants to correct them, to tell them the truth was smaller and stranger and enough on its own. He says nothing.

Before he can ask what actually happened to Aarav, one of the boys says it plainly, the way children say things without knowing the weight of them. A rare blood cancer. It hadn't given Aarav bhaiya even two months.

Kabir does not have the heart to tell them he hadn't known. He doesn't utter a word. He only nods, or looks past them at the sun settling into the horizon.

After a while, Kabir decides to meet Aarav's parents once more before leaving. Aarav's father studies him for a moment. "Are you Kabir?"

Kabir nods, unsure if he had ever introduced himself.

"I have something for you," the father says, and goes inside. He returns with two envelopes, one with Kabir's name on it, the other addressed to no one at all. "Aarav asked me to give these to you," he says, placing them in Kabir's hands.

Kabir stands there, the envelopes light in his palms, heavier than anything he has held all day. He does not open them. Not yet.

He turns to Aarav's mother and bends to touch her feet. She rests a hand on his head, and says nothing. It is in this moment, under her palm, in that withered touch of a mother’s love for a lost child, that something in him finally loosens. The tears he had held back all day arrive without warning. For the first time since the phone call, he feels something close to peace, as if her hand alone understood everything he had been carrying and had quietly agreed to hold some of it for him.

Muffled Thoughts of a Drifting Soul

 

Chapter 1

“There are two misconceptions in life, which drive our minds while we wither out, slowly moving towards the only certainty in life, death. Forced upon everyone is the first fallacy - have we accomplished enough in life as per the community benchmarks while the second one makes us question ourselves - did we achieve what we thought ourselves worthy of. Both the beliefs are nonsensical. First one pushes the enslaved mind to seek affirmation from others while the second wants validation for wishful thinking of an egotist.” Everyone was left dumbstruck after this monologue from Kabir. No-one wanted to take a whip at this monster of an argument at a house party. Probably, the intricacy of argument gave them a concussion. As silence gets longer in a conversation, it becomes much harder to intercept, eventually leading to an impasse. What eventually saves this moment of abyss, is a change, which is welcomed by everyone. Kabir lights up a cigarette, trying to make up his mind to move. 

He was in two states of mind, which is the usual case when he gets restless. The responsive mind decides his actions, taking an external viewpoint and the rational mind runs his thoughts. He was very much aware of these states and tried his best to not let one interfere the other. He decides to leave without having dinner at Omi’s house party. Although he has not eaten much during the day, his spirit was far away from the puny cravings of appetite. Omi notices and shouts from the other end of the room, “Hey! You can’t leave without having dinner.” She was stubborn but not as much as she was smart. Knowing her all too well, Kabir’s natural response would have been to take up a plate and finish up dinner before he left. But his rational mind is stirred today and dominates his responsive actions. Kabir negotiates, “I am full already, need to rush back to my apartment, my flat mate has locked himself out.” Omi understood his lie, but this won’t be a great time to bring that up. She could read his eyes, he wanted to be alone. “Alright. Take care of your flat mate”, she said sarcastically.

Normally he would prefer a ride back home but today he prefers to walk, instead. He recollects the absolute horror of a call he had later this afternoon. His school friend, his first best friend from childhood was no more. He could not believe that Aarav had died so suddenly. He was shocked to the core. He hadn't experienced death of any loved ones. They had met recently at another friend’s marriage function. They would seldom talk on phone but whenever they met, it was as if they were still those inseparable young kids from school. Kabir clearly remembers his first day in his new school when he met Aarav. While he tried to find a place to sit, everybody was welcoming and offered him a seat. But Aarav did not, he just kept looking at him as if trying to remember him from previous life. They did not speak to each other, yet Kabir decided to sit next to him. Aarav said to him smiling, ‘I am not a good company’ to which Kabir sheepishly replied – ‘Don’t worry so am I’.  Kabir remembers the innocence of his childhood friend and his heart begins to sink and air gets choked up in his lungs. 

He must go see Aarav one last time before his cremation tomorrow. But he still cannot decide, let alone booking the tickets. That’s the fate of modern-day slavery, sold in the name of ‘pursuing the dream’. He has a crucial client meeting tomorrow that could yield the results for which he has been working tirelessly for over three years now. He is incapacitated, but memories keep flooding in, that remind him how he has lost some part of his own life. We start dying much sooner than we realize, as death of our loved ones keeps taking away a slice from our soul. This realization makes him think about all his loved ones. What if he loses everyone, one after another. The thought - how whole of life loses its meaning with one strike from death, frightens him. And in this moment, his rational and responsive minds unite to dump his career and he books the next available flight to bid a final adieu to his friend. 

He reaches back home, and finds his flat mate Vicky, sitting in the balcony most likely high on life. He doesn’t bother to speak and rushes to his room and starts packing. Once he is done, Kabir sends an email to his boss, unapologetically informing him about his leave plan due to a family emergency. He then goes to the balcony, informing Vicky about his plans. Vicky despite his ecstasy, understands the matter. Kabir sits down to light a cigarette while booking a cab to airport. Vicky tries to put a perspective, “You see those tiny stars, just imagine the relevance of human race in the history of universe. We are just a tiny whisker in the entire gambit of things.” Kabir retorts irritably, “So what? Comparing human life to astronomical events is not the answer for anything.” Vicky calmly whispers back, “Stop looking for answers.”

As he boards the flight, Kabir tries to gather the strength to face Aarav’s dead body. He can see his childhood in flashes where Aarav’s memories reside. Remembering school days, his thoughts take him back to one of the class periods where Kabir and Aarav were talking incessantly. The teacher could notice after some time, who the culprits were and asked Kabir, “Why are you two talking?” Kabir being the over smart teenager he was, replied “I am trying to speak while I write, so that I can remember”. Given the absurdity of the answer, there was no follow up question. Teacher simply asked Kabir to stand in front of the class. Kabir did so like he had won some award. Seeing his defiance, teacher asked him to raise his hands. Kabir still smiling pulled up only one hand in the air. Now the teacher lost temper and shouted, “Put your both hands up”. Kabir’s reply led the whole class erupt with laughter, “my shirt is torn near the left armpit”. The teacher gave up. After the class was over, Aarav was not happy, and Kabir could not understand why and asked him. Aarav said, “You made a mockery of yourself. Everybody was laughing at you”. Seeing that his friend could not bear his insult, Kabir got to know the meaning of true friendship.

Upon reaching Aarav’s hometown, Kabir was told that the body was already taken to cremation ground. He was crushed by the sadness that he could see in Aarav’s mother’s eyes. He wanted to ask her where the cremation ground is, so that he can see his friend before he turns into ashes. But those eyes did not deserve any questioning. One of the kids, asked Kabir to come with him to the cremation ground. Kabir was worried if he was late and could not reach in time. He asked the kid to run. Both started running and, in a few seconds, tears started rolling down from Kabir’s eyes. He prays to all the Gods he knew, to let him see his friend’s face one last time. The tears poured his heart out and flashes of Aarav’s smile and his honest opinions made Kabir yearn for his friend’s presence. As he reached the cremation ground, Aarav’s father was performing the last rites. Kabir tried but could not move his feet further. He wanted to see his friend’s face, but he dared not. He could feel Aarav’s father’s grief. As much as he wanted to go near and say goodbye to his friend, he could not. He wanted to speak to him and tell him ‘I will always be your best friend’ as Aarav said to him when they parted their ways long back.

Aarav’s father sets up the fire and as the flames go up, Kabir forgets his own identity. His mind is entangled in numerous memories all at once where he and Aarav had the time of their life. He begins to think that he is still a young kid and Aarav has gone missing.  He stands unresponsive, thinking how to find his missing friend. His own soul is lost in his friend’s remembrance. He decides to go around and find his friend. But he cannot figure out how to do that. Probably he is under shock, or has he already lost his mind to the realization of one and the only certainty in life. 

Leadership Vision

 

Leaders seek a life of selfless service and take care of matters that are beyond the apprehension of ordinary masses. They take upon the vows that don’t serve any individual interest but the greater good. As I opted for term 3 course - Leadership: Vision Meaning and Reality, I was intrigued by the rich literature that the course offered and above it the methodology to understand how different leaders are inspired and achieve their motive to serve the mankind. I was taken on a journey of self-realization through the characters of Mahatma Gandhi, Don Quixote, Joan Arc, Abraham Lincoln and other numerous fictional characters which are equally worth mentioning. The amount of complexity that all these characters revolve around is difficult to corelate if one does not keep an open mind. One needs to be considerate that leadership is an art of human psychology and that different circumstances in life require different skills of leadership ranging from discipline, compassion, self-awareness, critical judgement and many more. Through this article, I am taking an opportunity to express the learnings and inferences that I have come across through the rich lessons and interesting discussions during LVMR course in my MBA journey. 

 

Leaders are not born but made

 

A lot has been debated about how leadership traits are part of inherent character of a few people versus how these traits can develop through exposure to various circumstances. A study conducted by University of Illinois confirms that leadership development follows a specific progression. The reference study highlights that the process of leadership development is based on three things. A person’s readiness to learn about leadership, his/ her willingness to learn skills required for leaders and the ability to lead based on skills and self-motivation. If someone doesn’t think themselves to be a leader or has no confidence in being a leader, they are never going to develop the skills or the ability to be a leader. Research has suggested that leadership skills can be attributed as 30 percent genetic and 70 percent generating from learnings of various life experiences. Throughout the course, while observing the different characters, I could easily understand that leaders were genuinely affected by their life experiences. Prime example for this would be the case of Mahatma Gandhi, who went onto become the torchbearer of truth and non-violence. His struggles paved way for his greatness, and he took every incident to improve upon his ideology which eventually became guiding light for the Indian Independence movement.

 

Leaders have been imagined by most of us as someone idealistic, having great personalities and as the exceptional human beings. But leadership is not only about who you are but more importantly how you are with others. How effectively you can communicate and bond with people to pursue a common goal. Many of the leadership courses begin with the activity of identifying one’s strength and weakness, so that individuals can know how to bridge tha gap to become an effective leader. Many organizations hence have leadership development programs to create individual personalities that aligns with their business requirements. Leadership proficiency which can be said to be determined by readiness, willingness, and ability to lead becomes a key criterion for selecting individuals in such corporate leadership programs. 

 

Self-awareness and Sense of purpose

 

Self-awareness is the foundation for strong character which enables leaders to face difficult situations and take decisions that are not biased by external influences. It takes unbiased reflection on one’s own part to the point of ridicule in the eyes of others. Don Quixote was one such character whose self-awareness was beyond understanding of ordinary intellect. His sense of purpose and belief in himself was idealistic and many understood him to be a mad person. The selflessness exhibited by the character of Don Quixote in the pursuit of his passion is beyond the capabilities of a mind that thinks of everything in terms of loss and gain. His companion Sancho’s character presents the gullibility of human nature that seeks easy and profitable paths. This classic literature deals with the leadership vision like no other text.  Leaders consider the impact beyond short term gains and aim for long term visions. Hence, leaders can never be judged on the basis of what they achieve materialistically. 

 

Don Quixote forced me to rethink how should someone identify his/her path to becoming a leader. One obvious mistake that anyone can make is to focus on the end results and take inspiration from them to seek profitable or comfortable methods towards them. This is exactly what Sancho does. What Quixote does is not fueled by any personal gain but the greater good of serving as a knight. Although he was nothing like a Knight, his sense of purpose was so clear that he took upon imaginary and unreasonable tasks. Many argued in the class that why to seek such a path which brings nothing but pain and humiliation. I think his sense of purpose was so strong that he could easily endure all the difficulties. It may sound idealistic and stupid to today’s generation who want to be high salaried CEO and not a leader who can bind people together with their sense of purpose. But as discussed by the professor in class about Elon Musk’s leadership style, his adamant nature of believing in his vision and relentlessly pursuing his untenable goals have made a huge impact on electric vehicles and space technology for the betterment of mankind.

 

Be a follower first

Everyone wants to lead and be a great achiever. My personal experiences and understanding of the literature that LVMR course exposed me to converge on a single point that one needs to be a follower first then only he/she can understand how to lead. For this reason, military officers are trained to do all kinds of work that exists in the Defence forces, so that they know how to be a follower first and take orders before being able to give orders. Understanding this little aspect is very critical for today’s generation of corporate leaders who are very far from the ground reality, and it hurts their end purpose by allowing them very little understanding of the actual matters. What I believe is being a good listener allows leaders to arrest the gaps between their vision and what transpires on ground. Sad truth is that leaders get themselves surrounded with people who speak comfortable lies instead of harsh truth. When a leader is low on confidence and is seeking to confirm his purpose from others, such comfortable lies become a cultural phenomenon. This was evident during the course while discussing Tughlaq’s character, who had great plans but each of which failed miserably. He was unable to communicate his vision and gain followers in his pursuit of becoming a great king. He went on to fanatically doubt his own kingship when he says, “ Am I the King or son of a King..”.  Ability to amend mistakes comes from humility of being a follower and it allows true understanding of viewpoint of others.

Continuous Self-Improvement

One of the greatest Roman Emperors, Marcus Aurelius stands out from the other great emperors because of his contribution to self-improvement literature through his book Meditations. I had been fortunate to read this book during my Academy days and it gave me an opportunity to understand how an Emperor thought. Marcus Aurelius’s rule was filled with military wars and during that time he had to be more of a leader above and beyond his stoic philosophical belief. During his rule, he kept the Roman Empire safe from the Parthians and Germans at the time. Out of the Roman emperors, he was the most respected because his rule was driven by his philosophical belief and reason. His quotes on leadership specifically are still relevant to this day and have taught me time and again how to be a better leader. One of the learnings I have taken to heart is after you become a leader, don’t forget your calling, and get swayed by the glamour of power and authority. One of my Aurelius’ favorite quote is - “keep yourself simple, good, pure, saintly, plain, a friend of justice, god-fearing, gracious, affectionate, and strong for your proper work”. Aurelius wasn’t made Emperor by bloodline. His connection to the throne was that he was the emperor’s nephew. This was a similar trend to the previous four emperors who weren’t directly related by blood and just so happened to be distant relatives to the Emperor at the time. Marcus Aurelius talks leadership as a responsibility to work intelligently with what is given, and not waste time fantasizing about a world of flawless people and perfect choices. And when you do so you continuously improve upon yourself rather than finding best options around you. 

 

I could relate this aspect of leadership in Lincoln’s character during the course. He was relentless to improve upon himself and without having formal education became a lawyer and eventually the President of USA.While choosing his first cabinet, Lincoln nominated colleagues with whom he fought the presidential election, as they were the best minds available. Lincoln listened to others and put the welfare of the country above his own personal interests. USA was struggling to come to terms with abolishing slavery and Lincoln was instrumental in passing the 13 amendment. Without his leadership vision and pragmatic approach to solve the problems of the USA as a whole, USA might not be as great as it is today.

 

Leaders create movement

 

The most influential characteristic of a leader is to create more leaders that can create a movement. This may happen knowingly or unknowingly as the true reflection of a leader’s effectiveness lies in the fact that how many of the followers are inspired and connected to the leaders calling. Mahatma Gandhi was able to create a nationwide independence movement that galvanized the entire nation which was a community of different religions which otherwise would have been different nations.

 

Ajay Banga became the CEO of Mastercard in 2010. He was focused on making small business accessible to the formal financial system. He focused on innovation and collaboration with customers and communities. In the current times leadership has become harder as stakeholder expectation have increased and globalization has brough multiple factors that are beyond the control of management. What Banga and his senior executive Garry Lyon did was spectacular as they infused Mastercard’s culture with innovation. The company transformed from a non profit bank association to an independent global technology company in payments sector.  Leaders have to act as catalyst and create an ecosystem in the organization that accelerates growth. Leaders need to map the interdependencies to enable the organization to fulfill its purpose.

 

The learnings in the course readings sparked a bright light in my head and heart to seek self-awareness as a leader. As I take forward these learnings, I am aware that results can not be measured in terms of material factors but how much I am connected to my inner self. Leaders need to be selfless when they try to achieve their own goals. It may happen that paths don’t converge and learnings are followed by some more learnings. But I promise to keep my path straight and not loose heart when things don’t turn out as I want.